Even the most beautiful love stories end.
And often, they end with one partner left behind and grieving.
It’s one of the most private and least discussed aspects of grief: sexuality after the death of a romantic partner.
Now, a Memorial University graduate student is bringing visibility to the subject.
Robyn Cumben, a master’s student of experimental psychology, has published a new study in the Journal of Sex Research examining how bereaved individuals maintain intimate connections with deceased partners through memory.
The research challenges assumptions that desire fades after loss and highlights how intimacy can persist in complex, deeply human ways.
“Grief doesn’t erase desire. For some people, sexual reminiscing becomes a way of staying connected after loss,” said Ms. Cumben, who is from Grand Bank, N.L.
Grief theory
The concept of continuing bonds, a grief theory that suggests emotional connections with the deceased often persist through memory and reflection, is at the centre of Ms. Cumben’s research.
She and her supervisor, Dr. Christopher Quinn-Nilas in the Department of Psychology in the Faculty of Science at Memorial, extended this concept into an intimate realm, examining what they term sexual reminiscing or recalling sexual or intimate memories of the deceased partner.
“What we’re seeing is that many bereaved individuals continue to feel intimate connection through memory, including sexual memories, and those experiences are frequently positive,” said Dr. Quinn-Nilas. “When we treat that as abnormal or ignore it entirely, we risk pathologizing a very human way that people maintain bonds after loss.”
Ms. Cumben says death is already a difficult topic, and sexuality carries its own taboos.
“When you combine them, people often avoid the conversation entirely,” she said. “But that silence can leave people feeling isolated or abnormal when, in reality, what they are experiencing is common and often healthy.”
Preliminary results
The publication draws on the survey responses of 165 Canadian adults who have experienced the loss of a romantic partner.
The participants were recruited through online panels, social media and grief forums, including Hummingbird Centre for Hope, Hope for Widows, GriefShare and MyGrief.
“No matter the life stage, the emotional and intimate bonds don’t simply disappear.”
The results show sexual reminiscing is both common and significant: eighty and a half per cent of participants reported sexually reminiscing about their deceased partner; 31.8 per cent reported doing so at least weekly; and 64.8 per cent described the experiences as positive.
The findings have important implications for health-care providers and therapists who support grieving individuals.
Communities and clinical practice
The researchers hope to provide new guidance for clinicians, couples therapists and grief counsellors and that conversations about intimacy and memory become normalized in bereavement care.
The preliminary results also highlight how grief can differ across life stages, from older adults losing long-term partners through illness, to younger individuals facing sudden, traumatic loss.
“People often picture grandparents at the end of a long life together, or a young person lost suddenly in a tragic accident,” Ms. Cumben said. “Our work shows that no matter the life stage, the emotional and intimate bonds don’t simply disappear.”
Student researcher’s journey
Ms. Cumben says the project transformed her own understanding of grief.
“There is devastating loss, but there is also something beautiful in how love continues beyond the physical end of a relationship.”
She admits she was initially hesitant to work in the area.
“Death is uncomfortable, and adding sexuality makes it a double whammy,” she said. “But that discomfort is exactly what drives my work now. Just because a topic is taboo doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve serious research.”
Her commitment and research intensity have already been recognized nationally.
She earned best psychology oral presentation at the 2024 Scientific Endeavors in Academia Conference and second prize for best poster at the Canadian Sex Research Forum the same year. She was also awarded a Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council Canada Graduate Scholarship–Master’s and a Newfoundland and Labrador Support for People and Patient-oriented Research and Trials Quality of Care Graduate Fellowship to support her research.
Ms. Cumben plans to complete her master of science degree in August 2026 and continue into a PhD at Memorial, focusing on how couples handle adversity and trauma.
Her research, she says, is ultimately about giving language to experiences many people live with in silence.
“Even the best relationships end someday, often with one person left behind. If our work helps people feel less alone in that experience, then it matters.”
